<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Have The Courage to Exist by ahappyphil</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24644611">Have The Courage to Exist</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil'>ahappyphil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2018, 2019, M/M, References to Depression, pre BIG</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:29:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24644611</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts” </p><p>Based of “If U Love Me Now” by MUNA</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Have The Courage to Exist</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>https://open.spotify.com/track/2qiJ7tRIaS8E4YL3njbUvT?si=N9n-nT7qRWS6aGmfVOnCNA</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b><i>There’s me in the corner throwing a fit, making a mess of it. Don’t you love me now </i></b>
</p><p>They have been put in yet another teen magazine. Some ridiculous joke about the tour. His own stupid face smiling back at him through the photo, mocking him in a way that he’s feeling more and more familiar with. </p><p>No one takes them seriously, and why should they? </p><p>Phil at least has earned his place in this bizarre upside world they call a career.  He knows what he’s about and he’s comfortable with his own niche content. It doesn’t even bother him when Dan shows him all the posts comparing them to the filmmakers and serious creators. </p><p>It’s not like he <i>wants</i> to be one of those people. It’s just...his face is in a teen magazine and he’s still making content about exams and a large portion of his twitter followers aren’t even technically old enough to be there. </p><p>Sometimes it feels like the handful of awards they keep in the lounge are solely there to remind him of his own self loathing. It’s not a secret what his peers think about him. What his name is synonymous with. Stupid lighthearted videos, deeper meaning and what he’s so desperately trying to say getting lost in translation under the cutaways and props. </p><p>Certainly not thought provoking, meaningful content. Not art. </p><p>He’s had enough therapy to know this thought spiral is technically self sabotage. He’s aware that most of this is just exhaustion paired with a poorly timed email reminding him how much he doesn’t deserve this. </p><p>He doesn’t deserve the fame, as much as he hates that word. Doesn’t deserve the thousands of people spending money to see him so he can wallow in his own self pity in a flat they helped pay for. God, his own dramatics make him sick. </p><p>He doesn’t deserve the man currently editing a new video that will be funny and weird and wonderful, that will brighten the day of everyone who clicks on it, including himself. </p><p>Because that’s what they do. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b><i>There's me under the table, hiding from my lovers and my allies. Don't you love me now?</i></b>
</p><p>“I didn’t do it.” </p><p>He doesn’t bother with a greeting. Phil knows what this call is about. He was probably anticipating this response too. This isn’t the first time he’s fucked up and chickened out. </p><p>There’s a bit of shuffling on the other end, then the sound of a door closing and a deep breath. </p><p>“Dan, it’s okay. You know you don’t have to if you’re not ready.” </p><p>They’ve had this conversation so many times in the past six months, Phil could probably do this speech in his sleep. That somehow makes him feel worse.</p><p>“It felt like mum was expecting it. Like she was baiting or something. She asked about me going up north and...fuck. I just. I shut down. Phil, I can’t do this.”</p><p>He’s acutely aware of the whiny petulant tone in his voice, only made worse by the fact he’s hiding away in his childhood bedroom. </p><p>Phil’s still silent. Probably mulling over whether to continue the next line in this all too familiar dance. </p><p>Instead he says “I love you” in a way that even the maniacal voices in Dan’s head can’t misinterpret. “No matter what.”</p><p>It’s cheesy in a way he’d normally call out, but it’s also kind of exactly what he needs to hear.</p><p>*</p><p>She’s his age or thereabouts, head on what he assumes is her girlfriend’s lap, sitting on a park bench. She’s wearing a tee shirt he designed, and there will never be a time when that doesn’t give him a slight out of body experience. </p><p>She doesn’t see him, probably won’t considering the way she and the other girl are laser focused on each other, but nevertheless he slinks away as inconspicuously as he can. </p><p>He just can’t right now. Not after he failed yet again at his mum’s birthday, coming home with his tail between his legs and an ever patient Phil ready to pick up the pieces. Phil would be mad if he heard him say that, but Phil’s not here to remind him that it’s a team effort and they pull equal weight. Right now he’s going to take some sick satisfaction in wallowing.</p><p>But he doesn’t have it in him to greet an obviously queer subscriber. He can’t stand there while they tell him how he’s an inspiration, how much he means to them and their story. They always have stories and they always give him far too much credit. </p><p>What would she say if she knew the man she admired was a coward who couldn’t even come out to his own fucking family after twenty six years. A man who’s still too scared to sit on a park bench with his partner and enjoy an unseasonably nice day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b><i>There's me in the doorway telling you please you should just let me leave if you love me now</i></b>
</p><p>They rarely have a proper fight, not anymore. They’ve both learned to express what they’re feeling and trust each other enough to lay it out on the table before things build up. </p><p>But this, this is bad. This is months of preparation and stress and venues who won’t cooperate, on top of a sexuality crisis, in the midst of planning a restructuring of their entire platform. </p><p>He threatened to quit. To walk away from all of it and cancel the tour. What he wanted to say was ‘offered’. To give Phil a chance to succeed without his baggage and issues fucking up their careers and everything they’ve busted their asses for. </p><p>It’s him they hate. It’s him they’re constantly comparing and complaining about. It’s him that’s got the history of spitting back and saying things he didn’t even mean. But they’re still out there. Still floating around on the internet, never to be forgotten or forgiven. </p><p>All of a sudden it feels like he’s back in school. Determined to cut ties and isolate himself from the people whose reputation could still be salvaged given they stop associating with him. No need to drag everyone down with him. </p><p>In the end, it’s a long talk with his therapist to evaluate things that are true. It’s even longer talks with Phil, who’s familiar enough with this particular brand of black hole spiral that it brings up a different kind of guilt. It’s the comments and replies, mostly supportive and excited to see him. It’s the reminder of how this is so much bigger than the two of them; it’s the livelihood of hundreds of strangers and a few people he’s lucky enough to consider family. </p><p>He can do this for them.  </p><p> </p><p>
 <b><i>And I've been trying to find out if anyone feels super sure that they are deserving of someone </i></b>
</p><p>There should be a limit to how much a single human can cry on any given day, and if there is, he should have reached it by now. </p><p>The voices in his head are working overtime, trying to invalidate all this. All the love and support that’s been flooding in today. He’s trying even harder to push back, refusing to let his own brain ruin a moment he’s worked too hard to reach. </p><p>It feels a little silly now that it’s out there, all the heartache he put himself through. Phil says the timing was perfect. Says it wouldn’t have been the same if he’d made it last year. For once, he won’t fight back. For once, he agrees. </p><p>He’s proud.  He’s proud of this thing he made that took more courage and vulnerability than he knew he had in him. He’s proud of the man sitting beside him who stubbornly refused to let him give up. He’s proud of his audience and the kinds of people who found a connection with him and who have grown with him. </p><p>There will still be days when he doesn’t feel enough. Days when the awards and the number of followers will feel like a burden than anything else. Days when all he wants to do is run away and never be heard from again. Though, luckily those are becoming less of an occurrence. </p><p>There will be days like today when he allows himself to take a step back and look at what he’s done and admit that he did good. He took all the hurt and pain thrown his way and turned it into something incredible. He’s riding enough of a high right now to even dare say some<i>one</i> incredible.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reblog <a href="https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/620544619785142273/have-the-courage-to-exist-t-14k-summary">here</a> :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>